Loss Mom Interview Series: Angela Bickford (Intro)

The loss of a child is an awful thing. No words can describe it; no pain compares to it. I know that many of you have experienced it. I also know that many of you have only seen your friends or family members go through it.

I want to change the way the world sees loss. Grief. Pain.

I want us to embrace grief and treat it like a tangible thing that we can experience together. A bonding glue.

I don’t want society to be afraid to talk about it. Or afraid of the emotions that go with it.

I want to help friends and family of parents who have lost a child know what to say or do if the situation ever arose. And what not to say or do. I want them to feel comfortable around their friend who has experienced loss.

I’m writing a book. How to Love on a Loss Mom will be available in late fall.

But that doesn’t feel like enough.

So I decided to start a series here on the blog. In it, I’ll interview other moms who have had a loss and get their stories. Their thoughts. I’ll dive into their emotions, their grief, and their journey.

Together, I hope we will be able to show you what it feels like – a pain so deep it stays with you forever – in a way that you can understand.

No one wishes this on another person, but we do wish for others to understand. I hope this series does that.

And, I’m certainly not trying to bring anyone down. I don’t want you to walk away depressed.

I want you to walk away empowered. Empowered to go and hug on your friend that lost a child. To know that it’s okay to mention their lost child’s name. To be a voice in a world so uncomfortable with grief that we’re taught that grief has a timetable, and to speak out and let people know that you aren’t afraid to say it:

I lost a child. His name was Carter. And I miss him everyday.

I would never ask you to do something that I hadn’t first done myself. So, here’s my interview. If you’d like to be interviewed for this series, feel free to contact me. I’d love to tell your story.

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1. 1. Many women have had more than one loss. Tell us about the loss that impacted you the most.
      I’ve had 2 miscarriages and then the loss of Carter, one of our triplets. Honestly, the very first miscarriage was the most devastating, even though losing Carter was the hardest. I think because we were completely surprised when we miscarried the first time. We always wanted to be parents, and then got pregnant right off the pill. We never imagined it would happen. We had no prior experience with it; didn’t know what to feel, what to expect, how to cope, etc.
   2. What did others do or say that helped and/or hurt you during or after your loss?
      The worst things people said were things like, “You can try again” or “It wasn’t God’s plan” or when we lost Carter and has two survivors to bring home, “Well at least you still have two.” It didn’t bother me that people didn’t know what to do for us as long as someone was still willing to try. The things that helped the most were when people just did something without asking. The worst thing to have someone tell you is “Let me know how I can help” – I don’t want to have to think for you, I barely want to think for myself. If you want to help, do something, anything. But just don’t ask me to come up with what you can do.

• How does God, religion, or faith play into your loss and how you cope?
  God is a big part of my life. My faith was never as strong as it is now. The first miscarriage taught my husband and I how to communicate, truly communicate, how to grieve together, how to pray together, etc. That helped us prepare for the loss of Carter. Once we lost him, we knew how to stick together and stick it out. We were stronger in our faith and able to get through the storm and not let it destroy us, which it very well could have. We also had a ton of prayer support, and I think having that helped us also. I think it also helps because it keeps us focused on the good and not the bad of the situation, allowing us to celebrate the time we did have rather than mourn all we lost.
• Have you done anything special to remember your loss or to help you move forward after your loss?
  We started a yearly fundraiser called Celebrate Carter. We didn’t want the responsibility of starting a foundation, so we do this fundraiser and then give the proceeds to already established foundations that help moms dealing with NICU, premature babies, bed rest, or loss. I’m also writing several books on the topic, speaking at events to raise awareness, etc. Craig, my husband, got a tattoo that he designed to remember Carter, and Craig’s mom planted a garden in her front yard. My mom and cousin worked together to plant a tree in a local park, and several other family and friends did things to remember him by as well.
• If you could go back and not have had the loss you mentioned in number 1, would you? Why or why not?
  I would not change anything. The miscarriage helped us prepare for the loss of Carter, and the loss of Carter has truly helped a lot of people. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be happy if he were alive – I’d be ecstatic – but that’s not the way things happened, and I know I can’t change it, so I don’t even go there in my mind. The what-if game is a dangerous one for me to play. I know that I was given this loss for a reason, and I am choosing to embrace what is and move forward with using it in a positive way.
• What advice would you give to women that are dealing with the loss of a child?
  Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Try to celebrate the time you had, however short, and not get caught up in the grief. It’s okay to mourn, but if you let it consume you, it will consume everything around you too.
• What are your plans for the future?
  My husband and I won’t try again for another child. There were too many variables of risk involved and I don’t want to go down that path again. However, we have talked about adoption and may consider that in the future. We will also continue to celebrate Carter’s life and build upon his legacy.

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Readers, be supportive by leaving your comments below. After each interview, the mom who was interviewed will be available for questions, and we welcome you to connect with these moms further. Remember, if you would like to be interviewed, just contact me.